You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
