My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
