I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
