Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
