if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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