the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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