Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
