Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
