Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
