I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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