Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
