I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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