I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
