My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
