I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
