Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
