Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
