I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
