he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
