I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
