I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
