why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
