Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
farters have to be the big spoon...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
