My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
