Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was like eating out sand paper
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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