i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
