i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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