I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
