and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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