Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
