I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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