Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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