just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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