Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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