then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
