as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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