cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
