I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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