considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
