In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
