My vagina just recognized that song.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
