She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
