well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
