Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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