My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
