I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
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