This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
