You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
