you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
