He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
