90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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